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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26736163">Letters he never sent</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hypallepse/pseuds/Hypallepse'>Hypallepse</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Enemies to Lovers, French Draco Malfoy, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Infidelity, M/M, Minor Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Open Ending, POV Harry Potter, epistolary fic, incarceration</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:15:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,101</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26736163</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hypallepse/pseuds/Hypallepse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry thinks too much about Draco and whenever the feelings get too strong, he writes him a letter where he puts inside everything he feels and can’t say out loud. Of course, none of those letters are sent, ever… but one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>91</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>H/D Hurt!Fest 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. October 17, 1998</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quicksilvermaid/gifts">Quicksilvermaid</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Very loosely adapted from Prompt#1 by quicksilvermaid "Harry's going to leave his wife. He tells Draco that every time they fuck. But then Ginny gets pregnant and Draco knows there's only one way he gets what he wants from this. "<br/>It is unfortunately a lot shorter that anticipated, I couldn't finish the whole story in time so here is something like a prelude of it. I quite like what I ended up writing and I'm very happy I succeeded in finishing in time for the fest. I hope you like it, it's my first time participating in a drarry fest and writing in Harry's POV...</p><p>I couldn't have done it without the amazing work and support of my very good friend G. Thank you once again, I wouldn't have done half of it without you. And, of course, thank you so much to the mods for their kindness, and especially Quicksilvermaid for their prompt. I know I'm far from it but I hope you'll enjoy it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Malfoy,</p><p>Fuck you.<br/>
There, I wrote it, and God it feels good. Fuck you Malfoy. I hate you, I despise you,  you entitled little piece of shit. You deserve everything that’s happening to you. If anything good happened in your life I would wish for it to go away. Fuck. What you deserve is not happiness or forgiveness but to rot in hell and never come back. That way I won’t have to suffer the thought of your freaking existence. So I don’t have to deal with you.<br/>
You’re everything I hate, you drove me crazy for years, you were a Death Eater, a murderer, a traitor, so why can’t I let you die alone like the trash you are?<br/>
I hate that feeling almost as much as I hate you.<br/>
I shouldn’t be able to make excuses for you. I shouldn’t have something inside of me that can understand you and relate to you. If only I could forget your struggles, the way you helped me back at your manor, or the fact that your mother saved us all. That you are my age and that eighteen is too young an age to end up in prison forever.<br/>
Luna told me you’re repenting. She told me you’re better than everyone thinks you are and that you opened up to her, back at the manor, visited her and talked to her… I think it’s bullshit and that you manipulated her to have a talking buddy but I can’t say that to her. Most of all, I can’t say that in court, tomorrow, when we will testify for you.<br/>
Fuck.<br/>
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.<br/>
I can’t. I just can’t testify for you tomorrow. The speech is ready and I kinda mean it but… Fuck. How do you deserve it? How can you deserve to have me, of all people, take a stand for you so you get a minimal sentence? I hate it, I freaking hate it and I wanted to write that somewhere.<br/>
I’m going to save you Malfoy, again.<br/>
Even though you don’t deserve it, and never did.</p><p>So yeah, I guess I wanted to put that somewhere, say it to someone: I may defend you tomorrow but it’s not because I like you or because I forgave you. It’s because I’m better than you’ll ever be. I’ll save your stupid ass every time you need it because I won’t let you die if I can help it.<br/>
If I can, I’ll choose pity, I’ll choose repentance, I’ll choose to give you another chance again and again. Even if you disappoint me every fucking time.<br/>
Maybe I’m the stupid one.</p><p>I guess you’ll get a few years? Three at the most, if you haven’t hidden something from me. Again. Any murder hidden under your bed, Malfoy? What did your father make you do? Your aunt, your mother? Luna told me you killed “almost” no one in the battle, and you could call legitimate defense. As if.<br/>
The point is, you’ll be out someday if all goes according to plan. You’ll be out and for Merlin’s sake I sincerely hope you’ll get on the first Portkey to France to live with some distant family and leave us in peace. No more Malfoy, no more Draco, no more of your stupid and pointed face popping in my mind when I want to relax.<br/>
I will get this done. I’ll survive it. You’ll get whatever you deserve and do your time, away from us. Then you’ll get out and everything will get back to normal. To any kind of normal my life can be.</p><p>You will never read those words, you will never get this letter. There is no way I’m going to let you understand me that much, even if insulting you to your face is so very tempting. Nobody is going to see it, not Hermione, nor Ron, nor Ginny. I can’t talk to them about that, everything is too fresh, the battle was only a few months ago, and I still hear those voices and crashes in my head, awake or asleep. I know that everyone else does too. It’s not easy to talk about it.<br/>
I can’t burden them with my hate for you on top of everything else. I want to forget it, forget everything, forget how I died and came back and all the people I had to sacrifice before that. They don’t need to know how much I’m thinking about you and how much it hurts to think about whether you’re going or not in prison. With this letter; I put it out there, I get it out of my chest, and I forget about you. At last.</p><p>Sincerely hoping it’s the last fucking time I’m wrecking my brain for you,<br/>
Potter.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. May 10, 2000</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Malfoy, </p>
<p>It’ll soon be two years since you’ve been gone and I can’t find any reason why you would want news from me. If I ever send you a letter you’ll certainly rip it before opening it, dramatic as you are. There is no way you would answer my questions or explain to me how you’re coping with being imprisoned. So why do I want to know?<br/>It’s hard not to think of you. Luna speaks about you nearly every week, like you’re her new project or something. You’re exchanging letters, apparently. I must be stupid because I didn't even know that you could send letters there, or that prisoners could write back.<br/>I don’t think Sirius could do that at the time. It must be something new.<br/>Strange things to imagine, Azkaban with no Dementors and the right to write letters… But that is all far away from your precious manor, right? I can literally hear you say that it’s “utterly inadmissible”.  Like you’re going to have tea and scones in prison or something.<br/>I don’t know. I have no idea how you are coping.<br/>Well, of course there is Luna, who says that you’re getting better and better now. “You know Harry, he’s changed a lot the past few years!” she would say to me, but I just can’t figure it in my head. I wouldn’t know, would I? I have no way of telling what changed in you, what happened in your head. After all that went on, can you really go back that much in the right path? Sometimes I remember what I said during your trial and I don’t know if I believed it at the time. It just seemed the right thing to do.</p>
<p>If I ever sent a letter to you (certainly not this one), I guess I would ask you exactly what you regret.<br/>Is it the way you treated Hermione? Or me? The time when you tried to have Buck killed? Even though it was clearly your stupid ass fault?<br/>Maybe you don’t think about that at all. But you must regret getting the Mark, right? What about our fight in the Room of Requirement? Do you think it’s your fault Crabbe died? And Dumbledore, are you blaming yourself for Dumbledore? I blame you sometimes. Well, most of the time, to be honest, when I’m not blaming Snape, or myself.<br/>Did you change views on society? What are your thoughts on muggleborns now? Do you still think you’re better than them? Are you totally free of this prejudiced bullshit?<br/>Luna says it’s because of your friends and your upbringing that you ended up like that… And she says that with such a sad voice that I start to wonder if I could have made a difference. Could I have treated you in a way that could have helped? I don’t think about the first years, because you were truly insufferable. But something changed in sixth year, right? If I hadn’t attacked  you, that day in the bathroom, what would you have done? Do you think we could have talked?<br/>Sometimes I try to picture you in your cell and I lose sleep asking myself those questions.</p>
<p>I am myself in a cell.<br/>Mine is certainly more comfortable than yours, and more pleasant, but I’m getting in for my life when you have only one year left to do. Nobody knows I’m trapped, except Ron, Hermione and Ginny. I couldn’t explain it to anyone else, because it’s a little pathetic to feel trapped in a little cottage near the forest with your wife (I’m married!), your garden and a job that’s more of a hobby than a real career. I’m kind of happy. I should be happy. I don’t know.<br/>It’s just that I have a mission, a mission you couldn’t understand. Sometimes I think about that, about all those things that happened and that you couldn’t understand. Who could believe that you were, once, the master of the Elder Wand. You never wielded it but, if you had, what would have happened?<br/>It’s no use asking myself that though, because I’m master of it now, and if I want to break its power I have to die a natural death. That’s the promise I made Dumbledore two years ago. I have to die of old age, I have to live a life without any risk and any danger. I can’t become an Auror, I can’t travel the world, I simply can’t anymore because if I do, if someone kills me, then they will have a power no witch or wizard should possess. And I can’t let that happen.<br/>It’s my way to fight evil, to sacrifice my life, again, for the security of others.<br/>You can’t imagine how much of a burden it is to me.<br/>And sometimes I wish that you end up doing something in prison, something bad that gets you a life-sentence so you never get out, never travel the world, never live the life that’s supposed to be mine.</p>
<p>But today is not like any other day, when I think about you too much and it prevents me from sleeping. It’s like you’re something that occupies my mind and that I can’t get out. It’s like a ringing bell in my ear, a buzzing sound in my head, always reminding me of you.<br/>Your father died yesterday. It happened last night and they (The Ministry) announced it today, it’s Ginny that told me and I cried without understanding why. It’s the strangest feeling, to have that sadness thrown upon you without knowing where it comes from. It was like I was freed from something and pain entertwined with relief before I thought of you. Did you know? Who told you? Was it a friend in a letter or someone from there, throwing it at your face with a laugh?<br/>If I had the guts to send you a letter, I would give you my condolences, without any irony because I know how much you loved your father. I had a father figure for less than two years and it broke me when I lost him. Can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now.<br/>I wonder if you feel guilty. Or if you think I’m responsible for his death, when I’m not. I’m not an Auror you know, I don’t know if anyone told you.  I don’t investigate, I don’t take any risks anymore… I wish they had been more careful when apprehending him. I wish they had restrained their fire.<br/>The good part is (I really, really can’t send this letter) you may get out now. Luna thinks so, anyway. Your mother is doing well for the community, it seems like you’re not doing anything stupid in there so… Well. Maybe you’ll be out next Christmas.</p>
<p>And maybe, when you're out, we'll see each other again. Wouldn’t it be weird to meet at Luna’s? If you remain friends after that. If we do meet again, I promise to give you a chance. And maybe I’ll ask you at least one of those questions circling in my head. </p>
<p>With awkwardness and stupidity, <br/>Harry Potter.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. April 21, 2001</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Malfoy,</p><p>Get the fuck out, please.<br/>What the fuck are you doing here? Why the fuck must I deal with you again? How dare you, how fucking dare you talk to my friends? Get close to Luna? Invade my life like that?<br/>Luna’s not a toy! She’s not a fucking plaything that can be taken and tossed whenever you feel like it. What the fuck are you trying to pull? Getting back into society? Pulling your strings like your father used to do? Getting back at me?<br/>Call me self-centered but I can’t help but think that this is about me. In one way or another. One fucked-up way or another.</p><p>No, I don’t believe what Hermione said. It’s stupid. I’m not letting you get in my head and fuck up everything I have done.<br/>I’m married now. I’m married to the most beautiful and amazing woman I've ever met. I’m happy. My friends, the few ones that are left, are happy too. We got out of this war, one year after the other and we did it together. Of course we have nightmares and times that are rough but who doesn’t?<br/>We’re getting by.<br/>Hermione has her career in the Ministry, Ginny flies, Ron takes care of his family, Neville is back in Hogwarts, Luna is… Well, before you came back she was just being Luna but now, I guess she’s spending her time with you, right? How fucked up with that. Trying to lift the curse on Azkaban, are you? As if you would do something for the science or the morality of it. Curing Azkaban even though you’re not there anymore? Even though it can’t reach you anymore? As if.<br/>I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, Malfoy, but it’s not fooling me.</p><p>You being friends with Luna, I could live with that. Strange, sure, but why not? You crossing  paths with Neville and Ginny at Luna’s… well, who could help it? Neville is too nice for his own good, so yes, he could forgive you I guess. Even like you. Well, at least, for a time, Ginny hated you with all her guts. I could listen to her pest about your invading tendencies for hours. But then, she forgave you too! You’re nice now!<br/>And since then, it has gone downhill. You won over Hermione, Ron resisted a little but he’s joined the Malfoy cause now. Soon I had no allies and only enemies when Luna asked if you could come at the pub with us. You and I, in a pub, together.<br/>You were supposed to go to France! Maybe pass by, spend a little time with us but… not invade my life, my friends, my house… As if I wanted to see you and be reminded of you when I am with my friends. I hate it, I hate you.</p><p>Last night, Hermione said I had to be nicer to you. “You’re being a jerk,” she said, as if it could be possible when it came to you. “He’s gone through a lot.” As if I didn’t. “And he’s really sensitive when it comes to you, and how you see him.” Yeah, sure.<br/>Needless to say I wasn’t easily convinced and she spent quite some time trying to ease me in about you. And yes, sure, I can see that you’ve changed. Hell, anybody could see it, you’re nearly bearable now! And yes, you seem tired, and broken, and sure, sometimes I think about how you became an adult, a man, back there. How it must have been cold and lonely for you in that prison. You’re not meant for wet cells with bad water and stale bread (I don’t know what they fed you in Azkaban). Apparently, you’ve grown fond of books there. Surely it was the only thing to do, and Luna must have gotten you the weirdest ones to read. Hermione thinks you’re smart, and apparently you’ve grown a lot. And you’re sad and alone.<br/>Boohoo poor Malfoy in his big manor.<br/>And then, she told me you got kicked out.<br/>You, kicked out? The little boy who always cried for his dad and mom to come solve anything that would upset him? Of course, I didn’t believe her at first. Surely you simply left the house to get a flat by yourself and live in leisure now that you’re rich and free.<br/>But no, you’re crashing on Luna’s couch apparently. As if you’re not enough of a pest already.<br/>I hate you, I truly do.<br/>And I don’t care if your mother kicked you out because you like blokes. Mine died trying to protect me from the most evil man known on earth. Sorry I can’t empathise with your little sad sad story. Fuck you. I don’t care that you’re gay. It doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t have anything to do with me, in fact, right? I don’t care, then. I decided, I have decided ever since Hermione told me (a few hours ago) that I don’t care.<br/>So fuck you.<br/>And she thinks you like me?<br/>Seriously?<br/>Fuck it, it’s not because someone is gay, or likes blokes, that he’s hot for all of them… It doesn’t mean that you would, that you of all people would want me. I’m married. I must have ruined your life just as much as you ruined mine. If I hadn’t been there, everyone would be under Voldemort’s rule and everything would be fine for you, right?<br/>No, you don’t like me.<br/>I forbid you to like me.<br/>Hermione’s only trying to make me pity you and take care of you. I need to take care of your feelings, she says, to make an effort, to come to you and… what? Become your friend?<br/>No.<br/>Never.<br/>Fuck you Malfoy.<br/>You don’t have the right to come into my life and change everything, to put stuff in my head like that. Ever since the war ended I wished I could be rid of you. Not think of you. Forget all about you.<br/>And now I’m not going to sleep tonight because you’ll be at the pub with everyone tomorrow and I know, I just know I’m going to overthink it.</p><p>I guess this letter is an attempt to get you away from my head. There, it’s written and I’m writing it again : you can’t be in love with me. I don’t want to be your friend. End of discussion, no need to fuss around about it.<br/>I’m going to sleep tonight and, tomorrow, I’ll see you and it’ll be the same as always. You’ll be mocking me, I’ll be joking around, we would mean it a little and then everyone would get us on two opposite sides of the group and we’ll have peace.<br/>In fact, I’m sure she’s wrong about everything and that you are, in fact, in love with Luna. It would explain everything, and it would make much more sense than you being in love with me. You’re even going to France with her next month, so if all goes well you’ll be a couple by the time you get back and I’ll finally have some peace of mind.<br/>With this wish I go to bed.</p><p>Good night to you, arsehole,<br/>Potter</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. September 5, 2001</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Malfoy, </p><p>We kissed. <br/>I still feel the heat of your mouth on mine, I remember vividly your shaking hands, your flustered eyes, the way they expanded with fear when we stopped doing it. You have the deepest eyes Malfoy, do you know that? And you look at me too much, with such intensity I feel myself shiver every time I notice it. It’s because of them, entirely because of them that I let that kiss happen. Believe me I didn’t intend to prior to tonight, I didn’t plan it or anticipate it. It simply happened. And those eyes, they were different after we stopped. They reminded me of that day, in the bathroom at Hogwarts, when I attacked you. You had seemed so scared, so fragile in that moment. As you did just after our kiss, when we looked at each other in silence, while I was still trying to understand what happened.<br/>At the time I didn’t care but now, back in my room, alone with my thoughts and my quill, I can’t help but wonder. What were you so afraid of, Malfoy? Was it me? It seems absurd to be because you seem invincible ever since you got out of Azkaban. Scared of nothing. I had been expecting you to be weak and dirty, with an edge in your voice just like Sirius. But you were nothing like that. In fact you lost that edge you had for so long in Hogwarts, as if Azkaban had taken the fire in your veins and replaced it with liquid ice.<br/>That’s why I can’t understand how you could seem so scared. It can’t be, because I’m the one who’s scared of you. I get chills every time I see you, and I worry more and more of what is becoming of our relationship. I can’t make sense of you anymore, you’ve been so polite and distant lately, as if we barely knew each other. Am I to feel ashamed? Guilty? Angry? Ginny talks about you, Neville likes you, Hermione respects you, Ron jokes with you and I… I’m scared. Of you. Of the way I feel every time you’re so polite with me, because my urge to shake you grows each time. As if I were the dangerous one. As if I were the one who hurted you when I was the one you surely hurt the most. I would like to hate you or forgive you but nothing makes sense and I’m lost.<br/>If I were to forgive you, what would happen?</p><p>We kissed.<br/>In fact, to be perfectly honest with myself, I kissed you.<br/>In my defense, it was a very strange night. You got too close to me, in too many ways, and I wasn’t supposed to see you weak like that. For the first time in years I saw you without your walls up. You were looking vulnerable, soft, human.<br/>What does it make me, that I had to see you tremble to believe you were human?<br/>Maybe we shouldn't have talked. We shouldn't have walked under the moonlight and shared stories. But you were so close and I understood you for the very first time, how could I not forgive you? Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, nor  that everything was in the past or that I could see you were trying to be better.<br/>The look in your face when I said that to you...<br/>The ways your eyes grabbed mine and made my stomach turn on itself. It hurt so bad to realise the power you had on me.<br/>I didn't intend to catch you when you tripped. I didn't intend to grab you by the waist or feel your wrist under my fingers. Your skin is insanely cold, Malfoy, or I was the one burning up. And you have the deepest eyes when you stare at someone, it makes one drown and forget oneself. I certainly forgot who I was when I kissed you in that moment. </p><p>I hate to admit how nice it felt because it hurts too much to think about it.  <br/>I shouldn’t have kissed you and you shouldn’t have kissed me back. I was utterly lost when you grabbed my neck with such hungry fingers. I remember everything, even though I wish I could forget: the sound of your breath when we got away from the road, that gasp you had when you touched my stomach under my clothes, my own urge to pull your hair and get you closer. I wonder what we could have done if you hadn't uttered a French curse that made me laugh? It ruined everything then but if I see you again, will I make you moan? If I caught you and pulled you between closed doors, would you follow me? <br/>You scare me so much Malfoy.<br/>I feel like if I were to say to anyone that I have forgiven you they'll see right through me. They'll see everything I can't understand myself and everything will come crumbling down. I hope next time I see you we will control each other, keep away from one another and forget everything that has happened. I'm scared of you kissing me again and how it would make me feel to be in your arms. <br/>I hope this is a fluke, a one-time thing, a stupid mistake because Ginny is on her period and you've been single for all your life. <br/>I can’t think of Ginny right now, I simply can’t.<br/>I hope you get together with Luna. <br/>Everything would be easier. </p><p>With deep shame and regrets, <br/>Harry.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. July 27, 2003</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Draco, </p><p>You're gone. Again. And I'm left alone with my thoughts and my longing and my feelings for you. Neither of us wants to risk putting words into what is happening right now. At least I don't. The other letters worked in some way and I'm finding it harder and harder to keep quiet so here I go. Another letter for you that you'll never read. Oh god, if you ever read this one, I'm lost, I'm dead and six feet under. </p><p>I'm in love with you. <br/>I'm in such deep shit because I love you, because if I ever said it to you, you wouldn't even believe me. How could you? I’m so caught up in my lies I don’t remember which ones are true and which are false when I’m with you.<br/>It’s been two years since our first kiss and I still don’t know where we stand, or what the fuck we are doing. Getting close to you was nothing like I had expected. Getting into your bed was something I had never experienced before, something so far from what I do with Ginny that I could easily believe we’re not having sex. I thought it was something that took control of me in the fever of the night, something I had to try because I never did something with anyone beside Ginny, least of all a man. I wasn’t supposed to get caught up in it. I wasn’t supposed to miss you like crazy every time you went to France. But it’s true. I fake it with all my heart but I can feel the unjust feeling of jealousy creeping in. I hate it when Hermione and Ron joke about finding you a boyfriend. I hate it when I have to leave your flat and I feel you watching me, taking me in, like you fear I'll never come back. If I could, I would stay overnight, from Friday night to Monday morning, I would sleep naked next to you, and your skin would never get cold from not being touched.  <br/>I don't know how it happened, me falling this hard for you. Before now, I believed cheaters were all bastards. A cheater couldn't truly love any of their partners if they were cheating… Right? So at first I thought I couldn’t love Ginny, I couldn’t love you, I was a jerk, a gross man. But now… Of course I hate the lying. I hate what you have to go through. I hate it so much, it must be proof that I love you, right? And everything I thought doesn’t make sense anymore, because I’m a cheater but I love both of you, Ginny and you, with all my heart. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can get out of it.</p><p>My only hope is that you get fed up with me. That you get bored of my indecision and my lies, fall in love with someone else, leave me behind in my self-hate and my remorse. This is the only way out because I can't leave you, I can't leave Ginny, but every time I'm out of your flat I miss you even more. <br/>I won't ever be able to say it to you but here, in this alter-life where you can read this letter, know that I care about you. That if I could, I would keep you warm every night so you don't ever remember Azkaban. I would listen to you for hours talking about all those dead poets you love so much. I would follow you in France and wait for you naked on the hotel bed. I would make you forget about your worries and that thing that makes you run so fast. I would make you feel welcome and wanted, loved and cherished, you would stop chasing after a redemption you don't need because I would have gotten it for you. <br/>In this other world I sent you all those letters, I'm not in love with Ginny, I can convince you to stop your journeys and your quest, you love me so much you want to live in the country too and your biggest dream is to get settled down and have a family with me. You like children, you like whatever job you could get, you help me get through this life I molded myself into. We spend our lives together and we grow old together. And you were never a second choice and I was never a cheater. </p><p>In the meantime, I miss you like crazy and I love you even more. I hope your research in Paris fails so you have to get back home to me. And I hope you never get tired of me, despite all my reasoning.</p><p>Yours, deeply, <br/>Harry.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. August 15, 2004</h2></a>
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    <p>My love,</p><p>I have ruined everything. I have lost you, you’re gone and I’m alone, now, with letters I never sent and words I should have told you. You’re gone and you think I despise you, that you’re nothing but a strange mistake I made on a whim, to get sex and to distract myself from my marriage. You’re not, you’ve never been and you’re much much more than that.<br/>I’m sorry, my love. That I never explained nothing and that it took me so long to have the strength to name you like that. You deserve better. In fact, you deserve much, much better than me. If I was half the good man I thought I was years ago I would let you go, live your life, finally live in France far away from me. I would never forget you but maybe you would, with time. Everything that happened would be behind you and maybe you could grow back from the ashes of what happened. But I’m not that good a man, and I know I don’t have the right but I want you for myself. I want you here, with me, I want you to forgive me, I want another chance, I want to find a way, any way to get you back. You don’t believe any good can come from a prison sentence anymore but if it could make a difference to you, I’ll make my time in Azkaban too.</p><p>In the meantime, I can only ask forgiveness and try to explain to you what happened.<br/>I’m sorry I made you feel like a third wheel. You never were and never will be. You have no idea how much you attract people, how much they come to you and think of you, must it be in a bad or a good way. I know something about that. <br/>I’m sorry I lied to you about Ginny, my marriage, my sexuality. I wanted you to think I was unhappy with her so you would take pity on me. I couldn’t explain to you how I could want you both, and need you both, each of you in their own special way.<br/>I’m sorry I didn’t tell you we were trying to have a child. I never thought it could happen, especially this fast. I didn’t think I could and we were talking about adopting if it didn’t work. You see, I died once and I had always thought, always felt I couldn’t give life to someone after that. I had used that right, you see? And it seemed fair, truly, to sacrifice my right to give life so I could kill Him. Even though I wanted children so bad. Even though having a family is what I want most in the world, terrifying as it may be.<br/>I want you to understand that I didn’t know before you, I had no idea that Ginny was pregnant before she announced it on my birthday. It was her surprise to me and I would have never, never wanted you to hear about it like that.<br/>You deserve better than the heartbreak I caused you.<br/>You deserve better than a married man begging letter after letter for you to forgive him.<br/>But here I am, once again, writing to you even after you sent back all of my owls, my letters unopened and not even a word of hate from you.</p><p>I need you, Draco.<br/>For once, I’ll forget my pride and stop trying to be so composed in front of you, who’s always so calm and strong, who’s got wisdom somewhere in the last years Merlin’s knows how. I beg you to take pity of me, of my misery and my loneliness. I need you and I never knew how much I did before I lost you.<br/>You make me feel alive, complete, you give me that thing, that spark that I had to give away but that lives inside of you. I can’t risk my life anymore, Draco, I can’t live of dangers and adventures but you, you do. You can talk to me about the strange things that live in this world, the dark alchemists, the strange treasures lost in the sea, the multiple meanings behind a poem and the enigmatic sentences that you can find sometimes under the dust and the magic protection of ancient buildings.<br/>Even since you’ve left me, my life has been shit. I don’t sleep, my nightmares came back, my house is a prison, my wife can’t understand what’s happening, neither do my friend; I don’t know how to speak about all those things inside me and I can’t, I simply can’t live without you. I won’t. I refuse to let you go without a fight.</p><p>If you’re reading this letter, I have succeeded in finding you.<br/>I am in Paris with you, I found you, I made you listen to me and I made you take that letter. Now you’re reading it and I’m waiting for you, somewhere, certainly not far, waiting for your reply.<br/>If you have no love left for me, if you have nothing in your heart that can forgive me or give me a second chance, please come back to me and give me back that letter. You won’t have to say anything, I promise. I’ll understand. I’ll take the letter and go. I’ll come back home and try to live without you and make my peace with my misery. I won’t go back to Ginny, I wouldn’t be able to, not without you, but I’ll beg, again, so that I can be a father to my child. Maybe we’ll see each other again, you and I, and I’ll take the simple joy of seeing you as a friend.<br/>But if you have anything left for me... any love, any hope, anything in you that can give me that second chance, please keep that letter. Don’t come back, take a day or two, I’ll wait for you. Give me a chance and I’ll do anything, absolutely anything to deserve you.<br/>I have no solution for you, I have no magic trick that can solve this situation easily but I’ll try, I’ll do my best.<br/>I promise and, this time, I’m not lying.<br/>Let me come back to you, let me prove to you how much you mean to me. I have treated you so bad, I have made you feel like such shit, it’s only natural that you could do the same to me.<br/>I won’t cry, I won’t complain, I’ll stay with you, I’ll be your shadow, devoted to you and asking nothing in return. Hoping that, one day, you’ll get down to me and kiss me again like all those other times when you made me feel alive.<br/>After all that happened, you deserve that much. You deserve anything I can give you.</p><p>With hope of never seeing this letter again.<br/>Yours,<br/>Harry.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Remember to leave some love for the creator if you can! Come reblog this work and view others from this fest <a href="https://hd-hurtfest.tumblr.com/">HERE</a> on the H/D Hurt!Fest tumblr page!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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